What follows is a 6-page bitch-fest, and in no way should be taken seriously. Well, sort of – I mean, I think I address some valid points, but the text should be absorbed in the humorous manner it was intended…the spirit, it’s supposed to have comedic spirit.
Pet peeves (in no particular order):
Toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle
Well, this is a simple one. I don’t get super-frazzled, but it seems that I’m always flattening and squeezing the paste evenly from the back for the highest yield (poor-person mentality of “no-wasting stuff”)
Forks and spoons with handles “up” and knives with handles “down” on the dish-washer
Ok, so here I see a contradiction in myself. On one hand I don’t like the stabbing-end of knives pointing up in the dish-washer basket. But when it comes to spoons and forks, I hate it when their handles point “up” because when pulling them out for storage, they either get stuck in the basket grooves, or everything comes up and spreads or flies everywhere. So, knives, stabby parts “down,” and forks, stabby parts “up.”
Spoon usage for spreads, like butter
This one I think is my poor-person’s mentality taking over. I just hate, Hate, HATE, to see a substantial portion of peanut butter left on a spoon at the sink, destined to go to waste. I mean, I love peanut butter, and I hate the idea of it going to waste.
Toilet roll flapping under, not over
There was a time when I didn’t care about this, but I swear, as soon as I heard two people discussing this in relation to being anal-retentive, it got to me so that now I audibly grunt if ever is see the toilet tissue flapping under instead of over. For the most part, I think that when it flaps under, the roll can unravel out of control if you yank it when trying to tear it – that is, it doesn’t happen to me when the paper flaps over.
Shower/bath nozzle switch left on “shower”
If you shower/bathe in one of these combo things, then you know that often they have a switch for the water flow to either go thru the bath nozzle or thru the shower head. Often, I find it flipped to the shower mode, and usually means that I get a blast of cold water sprayed on me – this is not a good thing for someone like me that likes warm water.
Eating noises
Oh…gwad…OmFG! I hate eating noises. I’m cool with those sounds if I’m relaxed and free of the usual work day tensions, or other tensions. But boy Howdy, my eyes roll, my eyelids twitch and flutter, my skin crawls, and the under-breath stream of incest and sub-normal IQ accusations begin to flow freely from my clenched teeth and slightly open mouth when I hear fluids and non-fluids being slurped (believe me, I’ve seen and heard fairly solid items like rice and non-soupy beans being slurped), open-mouthed eating of chips. And tension-free or not, if someone sucks on an ice-popsicles near me, they may as well have a portable chalk board and scrape their fingernails across it – it has the same effect: I get goose-bumps and my teeth hurt and itch.
Bones, skin, and hard & gooey stuff in soups and stews
Well on this one, it seems to go against my “poor-person’s” mentality I seem to have for other things, but I’ve always hated that aspect of trying to eat chicken soup, posole, menudo, mole, caldo de rez, or other similar soups and stews that are otherwise very tasty. I think that this kind of thing is really the typical “poor-people’s food” type of thing where nothing goes to waste and everything goes in. I can just about bet that if you pay black-card prices for a soup, it’s not going to contain skin, bones, or gooey stuff, and if it does, it’ll be seared, sautéed, tenderized, marinated, or some other process that makes it taste completely different from the ordinary skin or gooey, bony, ligament, or cartilage type taste and feel.
Speaking with mouth full
This is kind of an addendum to the eating noises thing I think. It’s poor table manners anyway.
Lapses in reason that lead to lack of consideration
I guess this is a continuation of the shower switch thing. But add to it stuff like; barging over to the sink while I’m actually at the sink (no excuse me, no nothin’); the house getting super-locked with every deadbolt and latch available, even though my car (and my person) are nowhere near the vicinity outside the house…a few more, but I can’t remember right now.
The running play-by-play
I don’t think I ever gave this much thought before, but recently I’ve noticed an in-law’s penchant for saying out loud, step by step narration of what he’s about to do, seemingly to me. And I mean stuff like: “I’m going to pour a plate and feed the dogs…and let them do their business…” then about 15 minutes later: “I fed the dogs…they’re back in their spot…the sliding door is locked…” I swear, sometimes my eyes pop open and begin to bulge, I’m practically at the edge of my seat thinking that next I’ll hear something like: “Now, I’m going to the toilet…I’m going to take a fat satisfying beer-shit…I’ll do some crosswords…think about poon maybe…” …what the fuk?!!?
The “stop what you’re doing and watch what I’m watching or listen to what I’m reading” interruptions
Maybe I’m getting old, but I’ve gotten to the point where if I’m busy doing something or talking with someone it really irritates me when a third party excitedly demands attention to the TV program they’re watching or article they’re reading. I could be watching the same TV and TV show, and the redundant coaching of “look!” “watch this!” really makes my head tilt down ever so, my brows frown a touch, my nostrils audibly suck in air, and a vein about my neck and forehead twitching slightly from the effort I’m making at not loudly gasping or making my sigh not sound so sarcastic. It’s a compulsion with some people, I think, and they don’t realize how intrusive and rude they’re being. Swear to doG, they might as well shout: “hey you (or you two), stop your stupid conversation or meaningless activity and pay attention to the 5-alarm-fire level of importance program I’m watching!” Cripes!
The “create some conversation for me” interruptions
This one is kind of the polar opposite of the previous one, in that I’ve been interrupted mid-conversation by one or two mental giants that saunter over, say “what’s happening?” or “how’s it going” and have nothing else to add. One time, my friend Zip just turned to me after the intruder left and said: “what the hell was that?...it’s like, ‘hey, you guys, create some conversation for me.’”
The lane changer
Well, this type of driver is pretty dangerous, because you might be coming up on his blind-spot, and this guy without warning, without the merest civility, changes lanes right smack into your spot. Dick!
The eternal blinker
Nothing says “I’m not paying attention to my driving” louder than a flashing signal that goes unattended for more than a mile. I tend to stay away from drives that do this because it’s nerve-racking trying to figure out if they want to pull into my lane or not.
The pacer
More driving stuff This one is also an indication of a less than cautious or courteous driver, because as you well know (or should), leaving or creating an opening or “escape” route is crucial in the event of a sudden braking situation. Not only that, but these sons of bitch bastards don’t have the common courtesy of letting other cars pass because they’re locking up the available passing space without giving a shit for others. Excuse my brown French.
The passing-lane-entitled A-hole
By “passing-lane” I’m referring to the lane or lanes closest to the center on a two-way road, highway, parkway, etc. In driving, as you’ll know, common courtesy dictates that you KEEP OFF the passing lane, unless you are actually passing slower moving traffic. Well in the case of 3, 4, 5, and 6-lane freeways, the passing lane idea becomes more ambiguous. But still, just because there are several lanes you shouldn’t feel entitled to them all. And that excuse of “doing the speed limit” doesn’t mean shit, because if you’re impeding traffic you’re being a self-centered selfish prick when there’s an option not to be. I know, I know, a litigious society like the American compels the police to spend innumerable hours and write endless amounts of citations instead of perusing other, perhaps more serious, crime. I mean, I don’t know how it is in Germany, but I seriously doubt that the autobahn shows drastically higher percentages of accidents and injury as compared with American highways.
The staller
This is more driving courtesy stuff, and specifically, things like not being on the ball at a “left-turn arrow” situation. It’s not just for myself that I get upset – I’m just amazed that when there’s a line of cars waiting, there’s always some dim-bulb just totally caught unprepared when the arrow turns “green” and causes 2 or 3 cars to miss their turn. This kind of thing is especially irritating to me when waiting in line on the “on-ramp” to get on the freeway. Typically, on the week day (work day) mornings, there’ll be lights controlling the traffic going on to the freeway. And it just pisses me off to no end when people lag at leisure with as much as a car-and-a-half-length in front of them. After turning left or while waiting to turn left in order to line up and wait for the freeway “green” light, I just about turn red as I yell curses at those who don’t pick up the slack. I mean, honestly, y’all who lag, just because you made it to the ramp doesn’t give you the right to deny others some space for getting on as well…you selfish-prick jack ass!
Littering
I can’t remember how it is or why I started getting irritated at littering, but it seems I’ve always disliked that. This I feel is another sign of selfishness in the part of the litterer, because it seems like they just don’t give a good rat shit how filthy the city already is, they’re doing to damn well add to the fucking mess, by Crom! I don’t care if you’re not an environmentalist, there’s no excuse for adding filth to open areas. Be a fucking pig in your own sty, but for the love of Gozer, Puffy Marshmallow man please!
Ash flickers
Am I missing something? Are new cars NOT equipped with ash trays? In this day and age, why is there such an abundance of smokers that (aside from it being a bad habit) so callously flick their ash out their car windows, without any consideration for the environment or motorists – depending on the circumstances, someone with an open window can receive a nice toxic sprinkling, or even worse, a motorcyclist might receive a sting of hot ash on any exposed flesh. As to the environment, no one has said anything yet, but I’m starting to get a bad feeling that some of this window ash might be responsible in whole or in part for some of the California wild fires that seem so frequent lately.
And about the environment…I know that we can’t really hurt the earth, because the more we get out of hand, the more “natural” disasters will occur with increasing frequency, as though the earth is attempting to purge itself of us, it’s pesky pest. Either we get good and eco-friendly, or we’ll disappear little by little in a string of hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, floods, wild-fires, earthquakes, volcano eruptions, and a little thing called urban decay and violence.
The office nail clipper
Currently, thank the maker, there is no office-nail-clipper in the vicinity of the office I work at. But at a previous job – oh, the horror – without fail, about once a week you could hear about 8:30 a.m. or so: click, click, click! A perfectly natural sound, though very distinctive as the nail-clipper doing it’s work, and connected with (if one were to imagine the microscopic) images of grime, dirt, and brittle bits of fingernail just flying or exploding about the area. It personally made very queasy – I would’ve tossed my food were I eating at the time. No, for such an occasion I would resort to the blasting of the eardrums with some very loud headphone music (I also do that for the following 3 peeves).
Office whistling
When it comes to whistling, I think I could enjoy good whistling if it were a performance. But in the office setting, when it’s mixed with other office noise, it becomes the most annoying of sounds…it’s bad…I think it’s bad, anyway.
Office humming
Same as above, although I think this one is often even more annoying than the whistling – in fact, I think the only good humming is in the car, and from a choir that has a very special arrangement worked out, otherwise, fuckin’ hell man!
Office singing and/or scatting
Pretty much the same as the previous two…currently I work with a guy – or rather, the guy works nearby – and occasionally he’ll actually scat “yabba-dabba-doo…” with some other personalized flourishes, but it’s a fairly through and constant irritant when it starts up. The same guy is a desk-top drummer. I don’t know if he’s actually a good drummer or anything, his racket is just jarring and irritating as it interrupts my slumber…er, I mean, work! It interrupts my work, that’s right.
Office comedian
Wouldn’t you know it, but the very same guy thinks he’s a comedian. And that’s no big revelation; I think in just about every office, there’s at least one person who thinks they have comedic talent, even though they really don’t. I think usually the people that they’re friendly with douse them with encouragement by laughing at their crude, witless, merely-amusing, or even sometimes insulting banter. I believe this kind of situation comes about because so many people are used to bland and brainless situation-comedy television shows, and consequently things that are bland and unimaginative often get a laugh.
This particular office comedian that works in my vicinity is of the type that employs large amounts of east-coast humor, which tends to favor the put-down. It’s a funny thing, because like so many similar types I’ve met before, is someone employs some of the same put-down on him, he gets all sensitive and girlie like…TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!
The non-washer
This is just ridiculous. Particularly after the recent swine flu scar (ok, it was blown out of proportion perhaps, but still), people who don’t wash their hands after using a toilet stall or urinal should be ostracized. Why? Come on, stop acting dumb – don’t give me that. There was a guy I use to work with that would like to say: “I’m clean, and I don’t pee with my hands.” OK, Mr. or Mrs. Clean, I’ve heard and read about urine being sterile, but that’s not the point. The thing is that I have no idea if you (the rhetoric you) have a genital cheese of some sort, reached in for a scratch of scrotum or taint sweat, or brushed up against a touch of the fecal. I just DON’T want to think about it, yeah or nay. I’d rather have the peace of mind that with a fair wash and rinse of the hands, there’s no thought or question about the matter. Additionally, if you’ve been rubbing your eyes or digging into your nostrils during or before usage of the toilet, it is probably that kind of mucus contact that spreads certain diseases so quickly.
Just recently, I went to see the latest Terminator movie – er, “Franchise Salvation” or something – and a filthy oaf slipped out non-washed, while I was at the sink busy doing my customary ablutions. And if you think about it, multiply that guy times however many pigs don’t wash their hands, and imagine who-knows-what kind of filth is left on the movie theatre seat you plop down at.
Feet plopped on the seat in front at the movies
At same said terminator movie, I happened to select a seat that was one row back, behind the isle seats that include spaces for wheel-chairs. Well, right in front of me, there was no seats, just metal rails and the space for a wheel-chair or two. So, I tried it, I tried to plop my feet leisurely in front of my somewhat like I see so many do. But, fuck, is that bad posture.
But anyway, my beef with people who plop their feet on the seat in front of them is somewhat similar to the “non-washer” – foot grime, or in the case of people who actually take of their shoes or sandals, foot/toe cheese. If you engage in this kind of activity, please stop – you’re not at home and it’s pretty disgusting.
Bad movie etiquette
Additional to the previous bitch session, I’d like to add that pop-corn eating noises during quiet scenes…well, you might as well shout things at the screen or yell what happens at the end of the movie – all just about equally irritating. There was this one time, I can’t remember how long ago, but I went to see the 2nd Alien versus Predator movie, and the cacophony of eating noises and the opening of candy wrappers was actually louder than the movie in the not-so-quiet scenes. I swear to God, this was like an orchestra with a marching band added in of open-mouth popcorn eaters and candy wrapper crinklers. What a horror – how can anyone get into the fantasy of a SciFi movie under those circumstances?
And, you know, there’s still some cell-phone a-holes at the movies.
Bad cell phone etiquette
Sproken of zie Zcell-holes…what is up with people that continue or begin their cell conversations in the toilet? It’s like you can’t even float an air-biscuit in peace because of some douche-bag talking with who-knows-who, inside one of the stalls.
Aaah…I don’t want to continue on this topic. There’s much more that can be said/written, but I’m one of those weirdos that don’t like to talk on the phone very much.
Dumb sayings, or overused sayings
Have you ever had a person come up to you and say: “F. Y. I.” before continuing with some piece of information? F. Y. fucking Eye…talk about redundant meaningless banter – who the fuck else is the information for? My cousin twice-removed who’s living a continent away? How about “lets put it this way,” eh? I place that in the same category of meaningless preamble as “at the end of the day,” “when all’s said and done,” “the bottom line is”…once in a while, one of those statements is a good interjection, but for the most part they’re overused meaningless worthless crap. In Spanish, “tu saves” and “me entiendes” are the equivalent of “know what I’m sayin’”…unfortunately, I know what you’re sayin,’ it’s mostly uncultured babble, and in the words of Dave Byrne: “you’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything!” Not saying anything substantial anyway.
Spanglish
As you might have gathered, I’m fluent in Spanish and English. And when it comes to “spanglish,” it peppers conversations from time to time in my family. I don’t really see it as something bad. But sometimes there’s overuse or specific placement of usage that really gets annoying. Take the word “chicken” for example: you’ll see restaurants with “pollo” this, and “pollo” that, but never “Gallina Loca” or maybe a “Gille Gallina” perhaps. It’s just not done. I assume it’s a similar rule that prevents restaurants from calling themselves “Pop-eye’s Hens” or “Pioneer Hens” say. When it comes to eating animals, certain words are reserved for separate specific things.
Well, in the world of spanglish, because in English we all say “chicken” when speaking of food, the literal translation is applied to bad Spanish when you hear something like: “dale de comer gallina al niño.” It’s ridiculous. But more ridiculous still is having a conversation mostly in Spanish, but all of a sudden some badly pronounced English is dropped in for no reason. For example: “El niño ya comió, pero la niña nomás comió un poco de banana y eh-stroh-beree.” I’m like, what the fuck?! Ok, I know that in some Spanish cultures “banana” is used routinely, but a Mexican, speaking mostly Spanish, SHOULD say “plantano” and “fresa” for the love of Emilio already.
I don’t care what the “ask a Mexican” guy says, if someone can pronounce Huitzilopochtli, then there no fucking valid reason for not being able to pronounce “spaghetti” “smart” “school” or “special.” And hey, I know about regional stuff, I was born in the land of “shee-hua-hua.” It took time and effort to make the sound of a one-piece furniture not sound like the word for communal giving, receiving, and partaking of together. Some things go beyond, though.
I don’t like it, but perhaps it could be true: the spanglish that doesn’t keel me, will make me eh-stronger.
